The decision to amalgamate Welland Endowed Boys School with Stamford Ladies and Girls School proves more productive than anticipated, as pregnancy rates soar.

When the two leading private schools of Stamford decided to join up to form Welland Endowed Girls and Boys School it was expected grades would rise, not pregnancy rates.

HEADTEACHER FLUMMOXED

'It has come as a total surprise to us,' said headteacher Dr Granola Cola, 'with pregnancy rates at Welland Endowed Boys School well below the national average, and rates at Stamford Ladies and Girls School running at only 2%, we anticipated no change with the co-joinment'. Dr Cola continued, '...no-one could have foreseen this. Really, no-one. Such a mystery.'

REASSURANCES FROM CEO

'With a quarterly pregnancy rate of 6% at our new co-ed facility in Stamford, we are still within official government guidelines of between 3-8%, as outlined by the Department for Education in their annual Pregnancy rates for non-state schools and private education providers,' Professor R.C. van Drivoor, CEO of Welland Educational Trust and Mining Corporation said earlier today.

'We forecast a rise of between 2-4% from a baseline of less-than 1%, but had previously failed to consider the impact of the summer recess on recreational relationships and their consequences.' Prof van Drivoor clarified. 'However, our modelling software indicates rates will decrease after we implement our new protocols'.

ONE SIZE FITS ALL

When questioned about what these new protocols might be, the professor declined to comment, but Stamford Uranus reporters have unearthed documents showing that official 'Welland Endowed Boys condoms' are being manufactured by 'Johnnies of Ryhall', emblazoned with the Welland Endowed Girls and Boys school logo and Prof R.C. van Drivoor's face. Which, we understand, are to be distributed to the student body and freely available at the official school shop (round the corner from M&S).

What do you think? Not great?